


Responsability

by alternate_me



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Season/Series 09 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 04:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1102334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternate_me/pseuds/alternate_me
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is gone, Kevin is dead and Dean's alone in the bunker, feeling down and lost. So he prays for Castiel to help him e the angel appears at the front door almost immediately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Responsability

**Author's Note:**

> I wished Cas was still human (it would be more interesting to work with that), but he's got "his" grace back. Anyway, my Cas is still changed for everything he saw and felt when he was human. This story happens right after the mid-season finale. This is my first Destiel story, so, sorry if there are some mistakes.

Dean was lying on his bed, the eyes fixed upon the ceiling. He couldn’t sleep. Sam was gone; Kevin was dead - he had to carry him to kind of a morgue they had in the bunker. He felt so sad when he saw himself alone there but for Crowley he had prayed for Castiel and hoped he could listen to him. 

Indeed he could. Cas arrived almost immediately, knocking on the front door. Dean opened it and hugged him. He didn’t know he missed Cas that much before seeing him. Dean explained the entire situation to Cas once he had entered the bunker. He expected the angel to say he was wrong, that all that was happening was Dean’s fault. But he said nothing.

Dean said he could stay in Sam’s room, but Cas replied he wouldn’t sleep - he would go through the night trying to find a way of tracking Sam down. Dean could see that even Cas being kind of an angel again, he wasn’t the same who he was before losing his grace, that being human for a while had its effect upon him. Yet there he was, trying to help him, Cas was still Cas after all. The only part of Dean’s world that still made sense.

They talked for a short time and then Dean said he was too tired and needed to get some sleep. He went to his bedroom, leaving Cas on the table of what in a normal house would be called a living room. 

Dean had lied. Once more he’d lied. He wasn’t sleepy, maybe tired; but the real reason of going to bed was that he didn’t want to confront Cas. He was broken, he could feel it, and he didn’t want Cas to see him like that. _They were my responsibility. I had to take care of them_ , he whispered to the ceiling, to the dark, and felt so alone all of a sudden.

He couldn’t sleep. Memories altered from Kevin to when Sam and he were young. Sam was his little brother, he had to take care of him, and he had failed. He had failed so many times, but this one was the worst of them all. It had always been their hunting that had put them into trouble, but now he had allowed an angel to possess his brother. He had let that happens. And he couldn’t forgive himself for that.

While trying in vain to sleep, Dean heard a loud noise coming from the kitchen. He got up and opened the bedroom door. The light in the kitchen was on.  
-Damn it, Cas! What are you doing?

As he entered the kitchen he saw what was making the noise. Cas was behind the table, wearing a kitchen apron and there was a pot on the table filled with the same mix that was all around the walls and the floor. The mixer lay on the table, dirty and powerless, but finally silent.

-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, CAS?

-I’m sorry, Dean.

Dean frowned, confused.

-Yeah, yeah – he walked to the sink, took a cloth and started to pass it on the table  
– You should be. I’ve cleaned it up yesterday.

Cas moved forward and took the cloth from Dean’s hand.

-Let me.

Dean stared at Cas for a while and then relaxed a bit and leaned on a chair – But what were you trying to do anyway?

The answer took a while.

-I’ve decided to make a pie – Cas said.

-A pie? – Dean raised his eyebrows.

-Yes, I mean – Cas seemed embarrassed – I couldn’t find anything on how to find Sam, and I notice you were… kind of blue. So I thought it would be nice to you to wake up tomorrow morning and finally have something good to eat. Not these – he took a package of pasta and read the label – Artificially colored food.

A smile was drawn in Dean’s mouth. He was flattered by the angel’s gesture, but that had been so unexpected he didn’t know what to do. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room, so Dean hurried up to say:

-I had no idea you knew how to make a pie – nothing else came into his mind and once he’d said that he felt stupid.

-I learned a lot of things while I was working at the shop – Cas seemed a little bit proud of his skills.

-But…?

-But I think something went wrong with the mixer.

-Oh, you think? – Dean looked at the mixer and couldn’t help laughing.

Cas seemed confused. He pulled a chair and sat down.

-Aren’t you mad at me? – he sounded insecure.

-Mad? No, Cas, I’m not mad – it had been a while since he’d last laughed. He was thankful for Cas being there; somehow, things got easier to be born in the angel’s presence.  
Dean looked up at him. Cas opened his mouth and then closed it again. Dean could see he was not done yet.

-Dean – he finally said – I need to say I’m sorry.

-There’s nothing to be sorry about, Cas. You can help me clean it up.

-No, it’s not about this.

He made a pause. It looked he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to. 

-It’s about my leaving. I got… – he looked down to avoid Dean’s eyes and cleared his throat – I got angry when you said I couldn’t stay here. I got angry at you. Not at Sam. And I want to apologize to you.

Dean felt bad for that. He had broken Castiel’s trust, the one whom he knew trusted him more than anyone else.

-I was wrong, Cas. What has happened is the proof. You had motive to be angry at me.

Cas moved his head in a negative gesture. 

-No, I thought the problem was about me, I was egocentric. Knowing you as well as I do I should have known you had a good reason for that…

-Stop it, Cas .

Dean was unquiet because he knew he had done wrong and deserved to be punished, not get apologies. But Cas carried on:

\- …For you always do things for the best of those who are around you.

-Cas…

-You had no choi…

-I HAD A CHOICE – Dean shouted at him.

Silence followed and Cas waited till he look up at him. When Dean spoke again, his lips were trembling and there was pain in every syllable of his sentence. 

\- I had a choice, and I chose it wrong. Now, all of this is my fault, don’t try making this easier for me. 

Dean felt his eyes filling up with tears. He had already cried in front of Castiel, but for some reason, when he was not in battle he felt more exposed, it was more significant. He did what he could not to cry, but a tear rolled over his cheek.

-I…

Dean was trying to carry on without showing how affected he was. But somehow it felt as if Cas had already understood everything from Dean’s silence.

– I’m always responsible for everyone. I mean, I have to watch out for Sammy, and I let him take the tasks, and then I put that damn angel inside of him. Kevin was under my guard and I said he could trust me – he laughed bitterly - I guess that’s what happens when people trust me – Dean couldn’t hold the tears any longer, and they filled up his eyes and fell on the table.

Cas got up and pulled the chair closer to him. He sat down and looked up again into Dean’s eyes.

-Dean – he said – Sam is already grown up to make his own choices. He chose to take the tasks, and when he couldn’t decide for himself you did what anyone who cares would. You’ve probably saved his life – his voice was soft - You don’t need to be responsible for everyone.

Dean laughed again, avoiding Cas’s eyes.

-If not me, who? – he waited as if that question was not rhetorical - Answer me, Cas. Who will do it? 

-Sometimes, Dean, – the angel said slowly - You have to let people be responsible for themselves. You think it was because of you they’ve made the choices they had, but we chose this life as much as you did, Dean. We all knew the risks.

-It’s easy for you to say, Cas. You’ve had your mojo most of the time.

Cas looked at him and couldn’t hide how hurt he had been by that. Dean seemed to regret his words at once, still Cas suddenly got up and lifted Dean by his coat, holding him up.

-I’ve been risking all that is important to me since a long time. And I’ve done all of it for you – he said, firmly - Don’t you dare say my dedication isn’t so good as everyone else’s.

Dean stared at him, and his voice was full of regret:

-That is not what I meant.

Cas let go of Dean and turned his back at him.

-No. That’s exactly what you meant – he paused – I’ve been with you for years, and I’m still on second plan. You say we’re family, Dean, but there’s always someone who deserves your attention more than I do.

Cas turned to Dean again. They were both silent, looking at each other. Dean finally said:

-Cas, you have no idea how much I care about you. But Sam is my brother. He is my priority. Do you know how it feels to be responsible for someone like that? To blame yourself every time something happens to this person? 

-Yes – Castiel answered.

Dean looked at him sadly.

-Cas, don’t…

-I’ve felt responsible for you since the day we met – the angel said.

Dean couldn’t say he had never noticed it. He knew Cas cared about him, but it was the first time it was said explicitly. As Dean said nothing, Cas continued:

-Do you know the worst part of being human, Dean? Besides the cold, the hunger, the pain and everything that have changed the way I conceive human life? – Dean still didn’t answer – It was the knowledge I wasn’t there when you needed me; the feeling I was useless to you; that, as you’ve said once, I was “basically just a baby in a trench coat”. And even needing your protection, I wouldn’t have it.

The truth in Cas’s words hurt so much. He sighed heavily and lifted his hand, putting it in Cas’s shoulder. His voice was full of pain.

\- You’re not a tool, Cas. Don’t you ever think you can be useless to me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry if I made you feel this way. I’d rather have you, cursed or not, you know.

-Well, sometimes it doesn’t feel like that.

-I know. I’m truly sorry. I know this might make no difference at all, but I’d like you to know that I really meant what I’ve told you: we’re family – Dean said, his hand still on the angel’s shoulder - I’m sorry, Cas. For every time I’ve let you down.

Cas relaxed a bit and looked at him, the anger was leaving his face, and a caring look was being drawn on his eyes. 

Dean was feeling exposed again, but now he wasn’t uncomfortable. He liked to have told Cas those things, talking to him had took a weight out of his shoulders, and he could see the angel felt the same way.

But there was still a doubt, a doubt that had been there for a long time, that was now in Cas’s eyes. And Dean knew what it was.

-But you don’t treat me the same way as Sam, or even Kevin.

Dean looked down, and cleared his throat.

-I think I’ve always had you in a higher esteem; I’ve always expected more from you. I guess I like you too much for accepting you’re not something but perfect.

The angel smiled.

-You’re not less important to me, Cas. You’re just different, and I don’t mean it as a bad thing. You know I rely on you, and I’m sorry if that makes you suffer. I need you.

-I’m here, Dean.

Dean was looking warmly at him. There was Castiel, trying to make a pie for him to feel better because there was nothing else he could do; apologizing for not protecting him even when it had not been possible. In that moment Dean realized he would never let Cas go again. _He didn’t want to._

-So, what kind of family are we? – Cas asked.

There was that feeling again. A feeling Dean had always struggled to suppress. But now he realized he couldn’t do it anymore, for he was feeling totally exposed. He couldn’t lie to Castiel any longer. _He didn’t want to._

-A different kind – Dean said, and slowly got closer to the angel.

Cas remained still, unsure of what to do. Dean leaned towards him, pressing his lips softly against Cas’s. The angel responded to that gesture, and got closer, kissing him back. He put his hands on Dean’s neck and slowly moved them to his hair. 

They got apart for a moment.

-Is this wrong? – Dean asked, more to himself than to Cas.

-I don’t know, but it certainly doesn’t feel like that.

This time it was Cas who kissed him. Dean couldn’t think how they had never done that before, for he felt so attracted to Cas. They were kissing intensively now, their mouths were moving hastily, Dean had his arms around the angel. They stopped again, and as they were looking at each other Cas suddenly started laughing. Dean laughed too.

-Well, indeed we have always shared kind of a… - Dean couldn’t remember a word that defined their relationship.

-A more profound bond – Cas completed, smiling. 

That was it. And that felt ridiculously right. Dean pulled Cas closer to him again and they kissed once more before heading to the bedroom. He had forgotten all his problems, all what he had to be sad about. Right now, there was only Cas, and he needed that, he needed him. 

For the first time since he had come back from hell he felt he belonged somewhere. He felt he belonged with Cas. For once he didn’t feel the weight of responsibility on his back, for he had Cas, and Cas might be the one who understood him the most. 

He knew he would suffer again, he knew Cas wouldn’t make his pain go away. He knew he would still feel responsible for others, but now he wasn’t worried, because he knew Cas would be taking care of him. And that was enough. He would never have to feel alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it and please let me know what you think of it :)


End file.
